Through the Looking Glass

Last night i attended my first ever play party.
Wowza, is really all i can say.

Such nice people, funny intelligent and kinky as all get out. Some geeks too...i'm in heaven.

Got to watch some really neat stuff--fire play, the first time i've ever seen it. It was beautiful to watch, just beautiful...the blue and white flames were such a lovely contrast to her white skin. I'm still apprehensive about trying it, but it certainly is no longer on my Not Hard But Relatively Firm limits list. Did see a little bit of needle play, and again i am intrigued. Very squeamish and apprehensive, but intrigued.

And, i participated in my first party scene. Just the dom and i and a friend to keep an eye on me and make sure i was okay. It was wonderful. He is truly a sadist, and i am more certain that ever that i am indeed a pain girl. An all around wonderful evening, with people who managed to put even me at ease just about instantly--no small feat, mind you.

And then, the Low.
I have continued my recent trend of alienating people about whom i care deeply. i've come to grips with the fact that my Steve is gone...and i may never speak to him again. i wish both him and her nothing but the best--i care far too much for him to ever wish him ill. He has to do what is right for him. He never, not for one moment stopped loving her, and i knew that going into the relationship. May gods smile on both of them, and help me find some balm for my broken heart.

My best friends are distancing themselves from me since the end of my marriage. i understand this, they don't know what to think--and i know they think i've either lost my mind or had a midlife crisis, but nothing could be further from the truth. Every marriage has two sides: inside and outside. From the outside we looked happy and solid. And, in some ways we were. He is truly a great guy in many respects--intelligent, a wonderful writer, funny, opinionated, geeky. But then there is the inside part--the part where i was a mother, not a wife, where he made no decisions, didn't work, kept me prisoner to his many, many "issues" and left me exhausted, feeling martyred and empty.

And now, i have upset Master. i know i have, i can hear it in his tone, can feel it. i feel so lost, so alone and so very sorry, but i don't know how to make it up to Him. So much of my world does revolve around Him. it is twisting in my gut like a knife to think that i have disappointed him, and that He too may leave me. My game friends would say i'm being emo--and they are probably right. But it hurts, it adds to the big pile of hurt i already had, and i feel like i'm pushing far past my limit for emotional pain.

I say this. The first 40 years of my life were about other people--putting up with, and taking care of my jerk of a father until his death, raising my sisters, caring for my mother, coddling my husband and boss. It might be selfish, might be a mid-life crisis, i have no idea. What i do know is that the next 40 years are going to be about me. i have needs, i have desires, i am more than my martyrdom to family. And i am going to learn how to live at last, to truly fully be present and alive--and i now know that submission and pain are a large part of that. i never feel more present, more "in" my body--fully there than when i'm taking pain. i can feel every single cell, every inch of my flesh, every nerve ending and synapse firing. In those moments, those still quiet moments, i am. i am. i am.