This weekend, it was all about the numbers.
First off, Master and I have the chance to bring into our relationship a wonderful, amazing woman. She and I click in a friendship way like I do with so very few women. Very few. And...I'm terribly attracted to her, she is adorable and sexy. Master is attracted to her too, and clicks with her deeply on a D/s level. So soon, we may be a triad instead of a diad.
I'm excited, and nervous to be honest. I really think this will be a great experience for all of us--a chance to explore some things we just can't as two; a chance to share the love I've come to know with someone who needs to be loved ten times as much as she is right now; a chance for all of us to explore some boundaries, grow and learn. And, I'm nervous about how this is going to work, and my own reactions. I'm not by nature a jealous person--I've never had a problem with it in any other relationship, but I feel more possessive of Master than I'm comfortable feeling. I'm trying very hard in my life to learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings, how to feel them, to be in them, but not let them overwhelm me. This as opposed to my general tactics of running away, or distracting myself with something more comfortable. I'm feeling a bit possessive, and will admit at first it was kind of hard to see Master interacting with our new friend with an intimacy usually reserved for me. And that is a really hard and unflattering thing to admit to myself.
But, as our time together continued, I felt better and more relaxed. And after Master and I talked about it in the evening, I feel perfectly fine with the arrangement. She is a wonderful, fun, adorable, nifty-neato woman--and I will be proud to call her sister when that time comes. (plus, she loves Mystery Science Theatre 3000, wewt!) And, I'm learning that I do have some possessiveness in me after all, perhaps I've never really had anything to feel possessive about before. It isn't a bad thing, not a bad thing at all. And I'm looking forward so very very much to exploring this new relationship with Master and our new friend.
When I got married, I never gave a thought to it ending.
Not by death, and not certainly with divorce.
But, that is indeed what is happening.
I met my soon-to-be-ex when I was 27 and he was 23. We met through an ad in the personals section of the free alternative paper in town. I called on a very drunken bet with my friend Ryan--that the other couldn't even get laid from the personal ads. I called one ad, he called one ad. And then, I promptly forgot about the whole thing.
Until he called a week later. Well, to make a long story short, we went on a date, he kind of never went home and we got married a few months later. I wasn't really in a good headspace to make Life Altering Decisions then. But, I did. We had some good years, some kind of okay years, and then some years that weren't really worth having.
So--here we are. 15 years later, getting divorced. It isn't a bad thing, painful to be sure, but not bad for either of us--or won't be eventually. Heck, I don't understand what happened, but what I do know is that I have needs that I'm finally willing to address: companionship, a partner not a child, someone who has at least some interest in me sexually, someone who can be a responsible adult, and that I need to...not all the time, just every once in a while...come first. He couldn't and in some cases wouldn't do those things, and wasn't willing to try. So that was that. I've always said that marriages have two sides--the inside and the outside, and only two people can know the inside.
To our friends and family we were a pretty perfect couple in many ways. And truly, we were good together in a lot of respects. But it hadn't been working for at least 5 years, and I was becoming more and more desperately unhappy. So, finally I got my courage up enough to let go. And it has hurt more than I ever dreamed possible. I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm hurting him terribly and it is killing me.
And more than just him, I'm hurting our friends and families. My sisters and mother really like him, and I'm happy they do. He is a good guy overall. Our best friends are devastated by this. They consider us family, their kids grew up with us as family and I know it is hurting them too.
Seems like wherever I turn, whatever I do, I'm hurting the people I love most by having needs and asking to have them met.
Then I met Master. He takes care of me, is there for me in ways that my ex just wasn't capable of being. And, I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him every day.
Enter Rock and its companion piece Hard Place.
I am so very happy with our relationship, so content, so safe, so...home. And I can't share it with the people in my life. My marriage isn't officially settled, and even if it were, they need time to wrap their minds around the divorce...leave alone that I've found someone already without even trying. I didn't leave my husband for master. He was long gone both physically (had moved out) and emotionally (had moved out in that way years ago) before I even signed up for the website on which I met Master. I was truly just looking for a little fun, trying to explore. When Whammo--the love bug bit me on the hinder. Hard. I want to shout it from the rooftops, want to tell everyone I know about the wonderful wonderful man who loves me, and who I love so dearly. The man who takes care of me, who respects me, who thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, and who understands my needs in a way I'm not sure I do. But, for now...for who knows how long, I have to keep it to myself, and lie to those I love. And you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm happier now than I've ever been, and damn anything that is in our way. I love Master, and that is that.
What a wonderful weekend it was.
A busy weekend, but a wonderful one. This was the weekend of COPE, which we were not able to attend due to our lack of early ticket purchasing. I think though, that not going this time was likely our best plan. I would love to go next year--and will want to go to Winter Wickedness in February if I am permitted--but for where I am in my journey, where Master and I are in our relationship things worked out for the better with our not attending.
We did go to a play party at the home of friends who have a Fabulous Amazing Dungeon. I tried out the spanking equipment--one with a three point tie-down that I couldn't hold for more than about 10 minutes before I got too dizzy, as well as the wonderfulsauce spanking bench. And the cross, of course.
Had some very hard play. Very hard. I actually called yellow twice, and red on one part of my body. Intense stuff, but wunnerful wunnerful.
The party was fun--watched OSU lose while playing a game with Master on the score, USC scores, I get a swat; OSU scores, I get to pinch his nipples. Either way, I won! :)
Talked to some good friends, met some new fun people including a few lovely ladies I hope we get to know better.
The next day we hosted a brunch for some friends to "show off your marks."
I had some nice ones to show, and Master had me wear just an apron and underthings to best show them. It was a lot of fun, and the food was excellent, courtesy of Master.
Master is coming for the weekend, and today we are observing High Protocol.
This is my first experience with High Protcol, and so far I love it.
Dear gods in the heavens I am so very turned on by everything involved--the rituals, the focus, the attentiveness, the dominance. I mentioned to Master that I feel very owned today, and it is true. I feel owned every day, and am reminded in many little ways throughout the day: a choice I defer to Master, stopping to consider my behaivor at work as a reflection of his training, following my house rules putting collar on and removing clothes immediately upon arriving home. But today, only referring to him as Master, not speaking unless directed to, not doing anything but exactly what I am directed, and that according to strict rules has filled me with a sense of ownership, of property that I've never before experienced.
I know for some it is the physical aspects of a bdsm relationship that are arousing, not the power exchange. But I can truly say that while I am quite a pain loving girl, I am equally as turned on by dominance and ownership. When Master's voice gets a slight edge to it, a hint of warning, and he looks at me with owner in his eyes, I melt into a puddle of pleasure, love and grace. I am where I should be--on my knees looking up at the man who owns me, and who I love more than anything else in this world.
This week Master decided to help me tackle one of my most entrenched bad habits/issues/whatever.
Tardiness. Once upon a time, I was always on time. Early even. Somehow though, I've gone from Super-Punctual Girl to Always Rushed Harried and Late Girl. I don't like it at all.
He has put me on a schedule in the mornings--wake up times, blocks of time for getting ready, set time for my morning call with him, and for leaving the house. This has not gone tremendously well so far. I've not made the entire schedule on time once yet. There is, of course, punishment attached to continually missing my marks--not each incident, but over the course of a week my tardiness can build to a punishment point. And, I have no doubt that it will, though I do not want the punishment. At All.
Thing is, I appreciate that Master is doing this for me. I have tried, in my ususal way to excuse myself out of things--I was very tired, I was up late working, I got caught up in reading my email and didn't notice the time, la la la. For my entire life, I've managed to excuse and charm my way out of consequences, or at least out of reprobation. But, he doesn't let me get away with it. Not for one hot second. It frustrates me to be called out in this way, and I find myself reacting like a child--and feeling the wave of childlish defiance of authority wash over me. It is an uncomfortable feeling, sitting with myself, listening to my internal dialogue sounding so very petty, very childish, very sorry for myself.
As uncomfortable as it is though, it is helping me tremendously. I am actuely aware now of my inner thoughts and running commentary, aware of how negative, and self-serving they can be. And since I'm aware now, I can stop the thought patterns before they get out of hand. And he helps me--grabs me by the hair (sometimes verbally on the phone) and makes me admit that my excuses really don't cut it. Sure, they are all reasons I was late, but I was supposed to be on time. Period. Regardless. And it makes me love him all the more.
Had a wonderful, amazing weekend with Master. After the emotional tilt-a-whirl of the past week, we needed time to reconnect, refocus and move forward once and for all.
Friday we had a terrific date--got dressed to the nines, went to a lovely asian fusion restaurant. It was raining, and he opened the car doors for me, and held the umbrella for me. Sad as this sounds, I've never had a single other man do that for me on a date or otherwise. Dinner was wonderful, and I just couldn't stop staring at him with a huge grin on my face. This amazing and handsome man--who wants to own me, who despite all my crazy emo drama nonsense has not left me, but somehow loves me anyway.
He ordered dinner for me, as he always does. But this time, something had shifted. I never minded him doing that before, never really gave it a lot of thought to be honest. Now though, it felt like ownership, felt like control, and placed me under his hand.
We also to a trip to The Chamber, hooray! Master bought an absolutely beautiful blue suede flogger, with which I have fallen headily in lust. Also we got a Wartenberg wheel--yummy! And a squishy purple ball gag--which I adore!
Needless to say, we tested them that evening in an intense and kind of moving bit of play. And again, something had shifted--not that the pain was different per se...but it was deeper, warmer, more alive, if that makes any sense. It felt more real, more possessive. And when all was said and done, when I was at last lying in Master's arms naked, sweaty and spent, I knew then more than I ever had before that he owns me. Collar or no collar, ceremony or no ceremony, I have given myself to him completely. I would gladly give up the myriad little things that drive us apart sometimes, just to stay there locked in his embrace. I love him, and I belong to him.