Through the Looking Glass

While not from actual flames, I think Master and I have risen again as a couple from the ashes of our relationship as-it-was.

What happened? Hell if I know.
That isn't entirely true, I do know some of it. I was scared of feeling--well, anything actually. I'm not good with feelings, tend to keep them bottled up until I can't bear anymore, then some little thing tips the bottle and spills them. Not pretty.

But also, we were not communicating as honestly and completely as we should. This is such a problem for me in relationships. I tend to want to make Master (and the men in my life before him) happy, without question, without hesitation...and without asking for the clarification I need sometimes. And without saying how I really feel. This is no way to have a relationship, especially not a D/s relationship and the power exchange therein.

So, as I do in these sorts of situations. I panicked. Ran.
Actually, I'm not being fair to myself here. I didn't run in the way I normally do when someone is getting too close, when I've let someone in and they are in a position to hurt me if they so choose. I asked for a week of from our relationship. To think. To clear my head. To just be.

It lasted an entire 3 days. But, we both realized in that span how much we mean to each other, and I realized (and I'm going to scare myself here) that I'm truly falling in love. Maybe for the first time. Maybe the first real, workable, adult love of my life. And I'm terrified, but happy at the same time. I realized that I would be willing to compromise in a lot of decisions in order to stay with Master, even if in a vanilla relationship. He realized the same. We came to some compromises about the bigger issues we faced, and I think we have a solid basis to move forward now.

It won't be easy, no good relationship is rainbows and puppy dogs and unicorns all the time. And I struggle mightily with submission, even though I want it, I need it and I know it is the way I'm wired. I want this relationship--want it more than any I've ever had. And I know now that it will take work than any other to make it continue to function, but I can't think of a better goal than being in Master's arms, warm, safe, protected, cherished and loved.