I am so very happy to be back under collar with Master. The break was good for me, and helped me to work through a lot of things running around inside my head.
One of the things I realized, is that I'm still coming to fully understand the implications of being owned. One of the big issues I've struggled with is not being able to play with others at parties when Master isn't able to be there. I felt it was unfair, and restrictive. But, once I stepped out of my state of high dudgeon for a moment and tried looking from a different angle, I gained a little more understanding.
I don’t get to choose things like playing with others. Not because he controls me, and can tell me what to do or not do…but because I belong to him, which brings up two points to me. First, I am his to play with or not as he will. My body isn’t mine to make choices about, but his. This part I’ve always understood, although I didn’t necessarily like it all the time. The second part though…that I’m just starting to get, is that playing with me is a privilege that only he has earned.
It is hard for me to think that way, to think of myself, of my body as privlege for someone else. Another way for me to think of it is as part of my service. I take care of Master's body, his clothes, his home...and I am his too. I should be taking care of me and keeping myself for him. I think I get this now...and while I do want to learn and explore new things, I want to do it with him there, so that we can learn and explore together.
I've been having a rough few weeks. Well, rough is kind of putting it mildly.
Many changes, some good, some bad, some indifferent--but changes nonetheless.
I'm learning in this life, that change is the only constant, and it is in how you manage change, embrace it that makes your life.
One of the changes I'm going to make, is how I approach the community. How involved I am. I've been lately going to just about every event...just about every party, just about every thing. I was meeting new people, learning so much, and trying to figure out where I belong in this crazy world of kink.
But. But, but, but. I feel now like I've had my coming out, and its resultant trial by fire. I have to say that right now, I don't feel comfortable in the community. I feel like my life, my choices, and my relationship are being discussed at great length--and I don't like that. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm only feeding the frenzy of gossip and talk. If I don't go to an event, or party--Master has forbidden me to go. If I do go and he calls to chat or texts me--he is uber controlling and checking up on me. If I lose more weight (which I have been working very hard at, and truly need to do for health reasons if nothing else) it is because he is a svengali, choosing my food and beating me for gaining. If I don't lose, and *gasp* gain weight, it is because I'm miserable with such a controlling ogre.
Rock, again meet hard place. I admit that right now, I feel unwelcome in the community, and I will not go where I am not welcome. This is the only quasi public comment that I will make on the situation...but know this. I feel I'm living my life under a microscope right now, and I don't like it.
Want the truth? Here it is, like it or not.
Master is a great guy. I love him desperately. I will likely soon be making a committment to him.
He does not hurt me, he does not run my life. Yes, he is controlling--because he is my master and I want that, need it. I like and need the strictness, I like and need to show my submission in a dozen different ways. Is our relationship perfect? Oh heavens no. For one thing, I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with...and I know this.
But, in the end. We work with and for each other. And as long as I can have his hand gently on my head while I kneel at his feet, I want for nothing in this world.