Through the Looking Glass

So. I just did something that I know is going to get me in trouble. I know it is. But I had to.

I got a new play collar, which I adore. It is black leather with a ring set into it, kind of holding the two halves together...it is pretty hot, if I do say so. Master put it on me for the first time yesterday...and it felt so wonderful to have him do so, and wonderful to wear it. He took some pictures of me with it right after receiving it. And, posted them on my fetlife profile. Which I have no problem with--there is nothing I do there that he shouldn't see. I don't keep things from him, that would kind of ruin the relationship.

But. I really hate the pictures. They are unflattering. The one of me in my collar, full face shot I really really hate. I'm starting to cry a little just thinking about that picture. My face is blotchy, I am not at a flattering angle, I just hate it. And the other, was a more revealing shot of me in "down" position...and I hate it even worse. I can't look at my body like that, and the thought that others were just about made me physically ill.

I know that last sounds odd coming from the girl who was naked on the spanking bench at Doug Sir's party last weekend, but somehow having a photo is much worse for me. I just can't do it. I can't. I know what Master is going to say--don't I trust him? Do I really think he'd put a photograph of me online that makes me look bad? Do I think that little of him? And no...I don't. I know he wouldn't do that--he would never. I do trust him, and I know that he thinks I look so much better than I do, and that in the end--it isn't my looks that matter to him.

I know I know I know all of this. But I can't make myself believe it for ME. I'm trying so hard, I really am. I want to be pretty for Master, I want him to be proud of me, to show me off...but I'm just not. I can't believe otherwise yet...and it hurts me, because I know he will be disappointed in me for feeling this way still...after all he has told me to the contrary, all he has shown me with his actions. And I really hate myself right now for this.