While not from actual flames, I think Master and I have risen again as a couple from the ashes of our relationship as-it-was.
What happened? Hell if I know.
That isn't entirely true, I do know some of it. I was scared of feeling--well, anything actually. I'm not good with feelings, tend to keep them bottled up until I can't bear anymore, then some little thing tips the bottle and spills them. Not pretty.
But also, we were not communicating as honestly and completely as we should. This is such a problem for me in relationships. I tend to want to make Master (and the men in my life before him) happy, without question, without hesitation...and without asking for the clarification I need sometimes. And without saying how I really feel. This is no way to have a relationship, especially not a D/s relationship and the power exchange therein.
So, as I do in these sorts of situations. I panicked. Ran.
Actually, I'm not being fair to myself here. I didn't run in the way I normally do when someone is getting too close, when I've let someone in and they are in a position to hurt me if they so choose. I asked for a week of from our relationship. To think. To clear my head. To just be.
It lasted an entire 3 days. But, we both realized in that span how much we mean to each other, and I realized (and I'm going to scare myself here) that I'm truly falling in love. Maybe for the first time. Maybe the first real, workable, adult love of my life. And I'm terrified, but happy at the same time. I realized that I would be willing to compromise in a lot of decisions in order to stay with Master, even if in a vanilla relationship. He realized the same. We came to some compromises about the bigger issues we faced, and I think we have a solid basis to move forward now.
It won't be easy, no good relationship is rainbows and puppy dogs and unicorns all the time. And I struggle mightily with submission, even though I want it, I need it and I know it is the way I'm wired. I want this relationship--want it more than any I've ever had. And I know now that it will take work than any other to make it continue to function, but I can't think of a better goal than being in Master's arms, warm, safe, protected, cherished and loved.
In the lifestyle there is lots of talk about limits--as well there should be.
Some of the activities engaged in can be, if not downright dangerous, at the very least uncomfortable. And some of the edgier play well; there is a real chance of injury if people aren't paying attention both to safety, and to their limits.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately.
Physically I don't think I've come near my limits yet. There have been I think two maybe three times in play that I've had to ask for a moment, or for impact to move to a slightly different spot. I wouldn't say they were crossing the limit for me, because I could, wanted to and did continue playing. Just needed a moment to compose myself again, and breathe a little.
I've had some decently hard play, and again--we haven't gone over a line for me yet. Even during the worst discipline beating I've had, the one which made me actually cry from pain. I still wouldn't consider that over a limit for me. I'm a little worried that I won't know the line when I come up to it, won't see it coming until it is too late, and I'm far far past where I wanted to be. I guess that is where the trust comes into play, and working with someone who can sense your limits even before you can.
I think the limits I do have--the hard limits in particular are more emotionally based than physically so. There are a handful of things I will absolutely not do: rape scenes, non-consensual scenes (even just playing at non-consent. But I do like rough manhandling play), daddy/daughter role play, and the usual coterie of animals, children and scat. (not the Mel Torme type, the poop type, lol)
Then there are a few things I'm extremely hesitant about--suction is something I'm just not into, seems kind of degrading to me for some reason, so I'm probably never going to try that. Needleplay is so intriguing to me, as is piercing--but I'm kind of chicken about it. I think I would try it, just needs to be the right person and situation. Fire play used to scare me, until I saw it--and now I'm intrigued. I won't say I'm going to do it, but I would certainly watch it again.
I don't think I can ever do knife play, I can't even really watch it; which is a shame as I've heard sensual knife play is beautiful to see. I love knifes and pointy sharp weapons of all types (I'm a geeky rpg girl after all) but I don't know that I'll ever be able to even watch it.
But the big limits I have are emotional. I'm not an open person, even to myself. I don't let much of anyone inside my carefully constructed battlements. And I have, and I'm paying the price.
I'm in over my head, my nerves are taut and raw, and I feel like I'm slowly coming unglued emotionally. Having spent so long isolating that part of myself, what possessed me to throw open the doors this time is a mystery to me. It was a mistake I think, I'm hurting and feeling hunted, and I can't do anymore. I call red on this now.
Master found this question list on another blog, and asked for my answers.
What do you think about these questions? Hmmm?
Would you rather be spanked outside in a cold woodshed or inside by a cozy fire?
--inside
Would you rather be spanked in public or in private?
--hmmm, can I say either or?
Would you rather fantasize about spanking or actually be spanked?
--actual spanking. No fantasy feels as good!
Would you rather be spanked for your humiliation or for your spanker's pleasure?
--for His pleasure, always
Would you rather be spanked by hand or by hairbrush?
--um, probably hand.
Would you rather be spanked by belt or by cane?
--belt
Would you rather be spanked by paddle or riding crop?
--crop
Would you rather be restrained or unrestrained during your spanking?
--hard one..well, I do like being restrained so I'll go with that. Plus, I'm kind of wiggly
Would you rather be spanked until you cried or until you are aroused?
--aroused. It is difficult to spank me until I cry
Would you rather have just a red bottom or welts/bruises?
--welts/bruises, the more the better.
Would you rather be spanked for the naughty things you have done or just because you enjoy the experience?
--enjoy, enjoy, enjoy....yummy
Would you rather be spanked with pants up/skirt down or pants down/skirt up?
--skirt hiked up
Would you rather be spanked with panties up or panties down?
--panties down
Would you rather be spanked somewhat clothed or entirely naked?
--hmm, I'm generally naked when master is around so...I'll go with that.
Would you rather your spanking be strictly disciplinarian or sexually attractive in nature?
--sexually attractive. Most spanking for me is, to some extent or other.
Would you rather be spanked by a male or by a female?
--only been spanked by a man so far...ladies? want to step up? lol
Would you rather be cuddled or scolded after your spanking?
--cuddled
Would you rather be spanked OTK or bent over a table/chair?
--bent over table/chair...I'm too big a girl for the OTK stuff. I worry I'm smushing Master's legs.
Would you rather your spanker have physical contact with you?
--yes
Would you prefer to be spanked in the woods with a tree branch, bent over the hood of a car, or in a school with a ruler bent over the desk of your teacher/principal?
--oh yeesh, I have to pick? *winks* Um, woods I guess. Nature gal here.
Would you rather be a brat to your spanker to deserve a spanking or simply ask your spanker for a spanking because you know you needed it?
--ask for one, I don't like to be bratty, and try not to
Have you received a spanking in the past week?
--yes, and it was wonderful
Would you rather be spanked for the physical pleasure or the emotional release?
--pleasure, but sometimes as punishment the release is very necessary
Would you rather tell your best friends you enjoy be spanked or keep it secret?
--I've told a few of my vanilla friends...but not many.
Would you rather spanking be a lifestyle choice or just something you dabble in?
--lifestyle
Would you rather your lover be a vanilla or a spankoholic too?
--he is a spankaholic
Would you rather be spanked by a stranger or by someone who knew you well?
--I can't see myself getting spanked by someone I don't know at all, and Master wouldn't allow that.
Would you rather be spanked by despotic, mean person or by a compassionate, benevolent person?
--Master is compassionate
Would you rather be talked to while you are spanked or no talking at all?
--hmmm. talking I think...especially dirty talking *swoons*
Would you rather get one swat at a time with pauses to let the sting set in or a continuous tanning to build up the fire?
--I like both. I really can't choose.
Would you rather be forced into a spanking or willingly submit into a spanking?
--I do not do forced scenes
Would you rather have a safe word or be pushed beyond your preconceived limits?
--I believe in safewords, but I also like to be pushed a little...that is how you grow
Would you rather your spanker know your spanking history or is ignorance bliss?
--Master knows my history pretty well, lol
Would you rather be spanked by multiple people at one time or just by one person at one time?
--never been spanked by multiple people, but I'd love to try...
Would you rather be spanked once a day or once every few months?
--every day. every day. every. day.
Would you rather your spanker be deeply in tune or be totally unaffected to your experience as a spankee?
--in tune. It is so much more of a turn on, to know that my spanking is arousing to the spanker.
Would you rather a closer physical relationship or a closer emotional relationship with your spanker?
--I have an extremely close emotional relationship with Master
Would you rather your spanker ice your bottom down after a spanking or send you to the corner to display his/her accomplishment? corner time then ice
--I don't want to be iced...I want the burn to go on and on...
Would you rather your spanker be the person you wish to live the rest of your life with (i.e. marriage) or the person you can call on when your tushy tickles?
--*blushes* I refuse to answer on the grounds that my answer might incriminate me. lol.
Would you rather spanking be a part of love making or not a part of love making?
--I generally separate play and sex, although play can be sexual, but need not always be.
Would you rather your spanker have total control over you when you are being spanked or do you still want to have some control while you are being spanked?
--I want to be able to express my limits if needed, but that is it
Would you rather be humiliated or respected during your spanking?
--I'm not into humiliation
Would you rather spanking become part of a bigger BDSM alternative lifestyle or spanking just be spanking for spanking sake?
--lifestyle
Would you rather be filmed during a spanking to share your exhibitionist naughtiness or are you too modest to show your bum to the world?
--I've not been filmed, but I've played at a couple of parties, so...
Would you rather your spanking be gentle and gradual or painful and abrupt?
--pain pain pain...any way I can get it, tee hee
Would you rather be defiant or fearful going into a spanking?
--neither? But if I have to choose, then defiant. Fearful is too close to my hard limit on non-consent scenes.
Would you rather be spanked exclusively in your own bedroom or anyplace else other than your own bedroom?
--anywhere, anytime.
Would you rather be spanked exclusively on your bottom or other places could be interesting too?
--anywhere, anytime
Would you rather a spanking be a surprise or be something you have to look forward to?
--I can't choose, either...both...every, all. Any spanking is good in my book (well almost any)
Would you rather spanking be a part of role playing kinkiness or a response to events that have happened in reality?
--I don't often get spanked as punishment, as I enjoy the pain too much for it to be effective. I don't consider Master and my play role playing either.
If you were subjected to my last two ranting posts (now removed), you have my apologies.
Bitter, party of me today, apparently.
**editor's note** I posted this on Wednesday, but pulled it down as it was kind of emotional, and I'm not fond of being this emo. However, on second glance, I think they were my thoughts at the time. I was also concerned that they would only exacerbate problems that Master and i were having--but we've worked through those coming out stronger at the other end as we always seem to do. He has approved my posting them after i assumed he wouldn't. (and when oh when will I learn to stop making decisions for Him, soon I hope) So...enjoy**
I'm too sensitive. Maybe I'm just too sensitive to be in this lifestyle...sometimes I think so.
Master and I had a great weekend together. I got a lot done around his house, which I love doing...closet organized, bedroom put to order. These seem such little things, but they give me great pleasure to do for him, to help him...to care for him and make his house a home, even if I don't share it with him.
We met with another sub whom we hoped would join us even if just for play. However, it just didn't work out. I think that getting any kind of poly relationship going and keeping it strong is far harder than I ever imagined. And, it drove home to me once again how lucky I am to have found Master. We met on Alt.com, which as I now know...and figured out rather quickly on my own...is full of well, idiots. Not all, obviously, but a good portion of them are wowza...just special. But here is Master--in so many ways perfect for me on a personal level, and also on a D/s relationship level too. He is a sadist, and I am a masochist (oh boy am I), he is intelligent, funny and terribly good looking. He kind of had me pinging at Hello. But therein lies my problem.
I like him, of course. I wouldn't let anyone do some of the things he has done to me if I didn't at least "like" them. But, I'm starting to fall "in like" with him. Which is maybe not good. I don't know.
I try very hard to not have emotions, not put my heart out there, not care about anyone or anything, and that includes me. Harsh maybe, but functional to a point. I don't get hurt, but I don't ever feel truly joyful, or fulfilled either. Risk/Reward, as we say in mmorpg world.
I'm not sure I can take the risk of emotional pain and rejection for the reward that I'm not sure I actually believe exists. I know people fall in love, and are giddy and pooping rainbows and butterflies...at least they seem to be all those things. I don't know that I've ever felt that way. I don't fall hard for the most part, and I don't fall quickly. But. but but but. I think I'm falling, and it scares me to death.
Why?
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to hurt him (and I know myself well enough to know that I will do it)
Our personal situations are such that any relationship other than what we have isn't feasible.
I don't want to lose the M/s part of our relationship. I'm worried that if we get too close emotionally, it won't work anymore.
And, I might be too sensitive for all this. I am so focused on him, or serving him and pleasing him that anything feels like a horrible slight. If he isn't home, I'm sure he is angry or at least displeased. Right now, he isn't online as he normally is, and I'm sure he is upset with me.
Why he would be I really don't know, but deep down inside I think he must be. He probably isn't, is probably just busy, and it is incredibly self-centered of me to think everything has something to do with me. But apparently I'm just that self-centered.
And I can't care right now. There is one thing I will not do. Will NEVER do, and that is cry at work. I'm close just due to work stress right now, and I will not do it over this. *stuffs any trace of feelings back in the locker where it belongs*
There. Better. Done.
So. I'm a ninny. We already knew that, right?
Long story short, I absolutely underestimated Master, yet again. I give a lot of lip service to how much I trust him, how much I know he cares for me. But when push comes to shove, I don't seem to really believe it.
Soon after I wrote the last post, I broke down and told him what I'd done, and that I'd posted about it. (I can't keep things from him. It is bad for the relationship, and just plain dishonest--and gives me a stomachache every time I try) Far from being angry, or disappointed with me, or even reprimanding me--he was, as I should have known, understanding and supportive, and worried about how upset I was. I was unhappy when he posted the photos, but didn't say anything to him. He was disappointed that I didn't say anything when he posted the pics, as that is a kind of lying. Why didn't I say something? Maybe I was hoping that I'd somehow get more comfortable with it? Not likely.
What I was doing is "people pleasing" him. Because deep down, I still have this fear that if I disappoint him, he will leave. I need to trust him...need to live in this moment, this situation, the here and now--and not live reactively in the past. He can help me, can teach me--has, actually in many many ways. I just have to open myself, let go of my hand hold fall backwards into his arms. He will catch me, I know he will. Every time. No matter how many times I jump.
So. I just did something that I know is going to get me in trouble. I know it is. But I had to.
I got a new play collar, which I adore. It is black leather with a ring set into it, kind of holding the two halves together...it is pretty hot, if I do say so. Master put it on me for the first time yesterday...and it felt so wonderful to have him do so, and wonderful to wear it. He took some pictures of me with it right after receiving it. And, posted them on my fetlife profile. Which I have no problem with--there is nothing I do there that he shouldn't see. I don't keep things from him, that would kind of ruin the relationship.
But. I really hate the pictures. They are unflattering. The one of me in my collar, full face shot I really really hate. I'm starting to cry a little just thinking about that picture. My face is blotchy, I am not at a flattering angle, I just hate it. And the other, was a more revealing shot of me in "down" position...and I hate it even worse. I can't look at my body like that, and the thought that others were just about made me physically ill.
I know that last sounds odd coming from the girl who was naked on the spanking bench at Doug Sir's party last weekend, but somehow having a photo is much worse for me. I just can't do it. I can't. I know what Master is going to say--don't I trust him? Do I really think he'd put a photograph of me online that makes me look bad? Do I think that little of him? And no...I don't. I know he wouldn't do that--he would never. I do trust him, and I know that he thinks I look so much better than I do, and that in the end--it isn't my looks that matter to him.
I know I know I know all of this. But I can't make myself believe it for ME. I'm trying so hard, I really am. I want to be pretty for Master, I want him to be proud of me, to show me off...but I'm just not. I can't believe otherwise yet...and it hurts me, because I know he will be disappointed in me for feeling this way still...after all he has told me to the contrary, all he has shown me with his actions. And I really hate myself right now for this.
(okay all, this is my first time posting via email, and this was composed in a car between taking dictated memos, so bear with me, lol)
Pain. What a wonderful, amazing thing our bodies do.
i've always been a pain girl, even when I was much much younger. Through high school, my tummy and thighs were riddled with small bruises from the hard pinches I gave myself near constantly. As I got older, i got a bit more oblique—although never lost my love for pinches. They are still delicious to me, the harder the better.
i knew why i did it—to keep from crying, to calm myself down, to focus my attention, to feel something, anything; and i also knew that it was Wrong. Unnatural. A Sin.
Why? Because it felt good too. Very good.
Raised in an extremely Catholic household, by a woman who had once been in the convent, i didn't get a whole lot of sex ed. Okay, make that none at all. It wasn't until i was in college, an innocent (and naive) thrown to the wolves as it were, that i figured out sex could actually feel good, and that some of those pleasurable things i'd been doing to myself for years were sexual. Bouncing my thighs together to get the pingy feeling in my crotch, the aching burn from horseback riding, the moistening of my panties from the friction and percussion against the leather of the saddle…
And the pain. i started out pulling my own hair during sex to get the stimulation (drunken frat boy sex being generally not-so-tremendously-great) and of course kept with my old favorite, the pinch. It was during this time that i saw my first bdsm images, and was utterly transfixed. Stopped dead in my tracks in the convenience store, staring at the magazine cover featuring a girl with a ball gag in her mouth and the word OBEY written on her nearly naked chest.
i knew. i knew right then, i wanted to be that girl.
Having no idea how to become that girl, and pretty certain that my desire to do so was a Deadly Sin of some manner or other, i tried to ignore it. Stuffed it way down inside, behind the bad sexual experiences, under the confusion and the loneliness, beneath the bad body image (although looking back, i was kind of hot back then…) locked away where i couldn't poke at it, feel it, think about it…where I could pretend i was a Normal Good Girl who didn't think such awful dirty things.
Except it didn't work. i still felt that way. i still wanted to be tied up, smacked around and used. Hard.
i know now, having delved into this world of kink, that it is not only what i want, but what i need. i need to be forced back into my place—forced roughly and repeatedly to behave. I need to know that someone cares enough about me to smack me back into line. i need the pain, the glowing beautiful pain that fills me with warmth and pleasure to punctuate my experiences, to punctuate my life.
I just got dumped. Well, that isn't exactly true. I was really dumped over a week ago, but he didn't have the guts to tell me. (not by my Master, by my boyfriend)
Actually, he still hasn't. He just emailed me. I got dumped via email.
And it hurts. I know he never stopped loving his ex, and I knew this day would come. Even so, I'm heartbroken--trying to put on the brave face, but it still hurts.
So, our relationship started with a poem my darling dear, and I shall end it with one--you'll never read this, but if I could Steve, I'd tell you I miss you, and always will.
Farewell My Mage
You must go.
I know
You must heed her call.
I know
She is your Practical Magic
called from your soul, heart, desire
I am but a conjurer's trick
Fleeting nymph enticing in the moonlight.
She is solid, storied as all of Ireland
I am but a dusky intriguing vapor.
Farewell then my dear,
I once held your imagination for a moment.
She holds your hand, holds your heart, holds you.
Re-reading that last whinefest of a post....wow. Super self-indulgent there, sorry.
But, it made me think a bit. And i think the thing that frightens me most, that i'm least able to handle is having needs that i can't fulfill myself--that i have to trust others to fulfill.
And it scares the holy hell out of me. i've always been a island unto myself. Zero trade deficit. If i can't do it myself, i don't need it.
And now, and now--i realize i do have needs that i alone can't meet. i do have desires that i can't fulfill, i do have to trust at least one someone with them, and that may be the most difficult thing i've ever had to do.
i need to be put in my place. i need to be stopped from pushing people away when i get too involved. i need someone to give me the pain and dominance from which these flow.
i hate it. Feeling like an empty echoing hall, waiting on razor's edge for relief, unable to help myself. To me it feels like weakness, feels like failure--but also and more frightening, feels like surrender, feels like trust, feels like submission, feels like love. To get these things, i need to open, to invite, to expose myself in trust and peace. i don't know if i can do it. i truly don't know.
Last night i attended my first ever play party.
Wowza, is really all i can say.
Such nice people, funny intelligent and kinky as all get out. Some geeks too...i'm in heaven.
Got to watch some really neat stuff--fire play, the first time i've ever seen it. It was beautiful to watch, just beautiful...the blue and white flames were such a lovely contrast to her white skin. I'm still apprehensive about trying it, but it certainly is no longer on my Not Hard But Relatively Firm limits list. Did see a little bit of needle play, and again i am intrigued. Very squeamish and apprehensive, but intrigued.
And, i participated in my first party scene. Just the dom and i and a friend to keep an eye on me and make sure i was okay. It was wonderful. He is truly a sadist, and i am more certain that ever that i am indeed a pain girl. An all around wonderful evening, with people who managed to put even me at ease just about instantly--no small feat, mind you.
And then, the Low.
I have continued my recent trend of alienating people about whom i care deeply. i've come to grips with the fact that my Steve is gone...and i may never speak to him again. i wish both him and her nothing but the best--i care far too much for him to ever wish him ill. He has to do what is right for him. He never, not for one moment stopped loving her, and i knew that going into the relationship. May gods smile on both of them, and help me find some balm for my broken heart.
My best friends are distancing themselves from me since the end of my marriage. i understand this, they don't know what to think--and i know they think i've either lost my mind or had a midlife crisis, but nothing could be further from the truth. Every marriage has two sides: inside and outside. From the outside we looked happy and solid. And, in some ways we were. He is truly a great guy in many respects--intelligent, a wonderful writer, funny, opinionated, geeky. But then there is the inside part--the part where i was a mother, not a wife, where he made no decisions, didn't work, kept me prisoner to his many, many "issues" and left me exhausted, feeling martyred and empty.
And now, i have upset Master. i know i have, i can hear it in his tone, can feel it. i feel so lost, so alone and so very sorry, but i don't know how to make it up to Him. So much of my world does revolve around Him. it is twisting in my gut like a knife to think that i have disappointed him, and that He too may leave me. My game friends would say i'm being emo--and they are probably right. But it hurts, it adds to the big pile of hurt i already had, and i feel like i'm pushing far past my limit for emotional pain.
I say this. The first 40 years of my life were about other people--putting up with, and taking care of my jerk of a father until his death, raising my sisters, caring for my mother, coddling my husband and boss. It might be selfish, might be a mid-life crisis, i have no idea. What i do know is that the next 40 years are going to be about me. i have needs, i have desires, i am more than my martyrdom to family. And i am going to learn how to live at last, to truly fully be present and alive--and i now know that submission and pain are a large part of that. i never feel more present, more "in" my body--fully there than when i'm taking pain. i can feel every single cell, every inch of my flesh, every nerve ending and synapse firing. In those moments, those still quiet moments, i am. i am. i am.