Through the Looking Glass

I've been asked by a vanilla friend, what I get out of my M/s relationship.
 
And, I can see how it might look to them--I get smacked around (consensually, of course), told what to do, and act subservient.  So..what's the gain from putting up with all that?
 
Well, as I patiently explained to him, I'm not "putting up with all that", and in some ways, those things are the reward.  Getting to be submissive is, to me a benefit.  And of course, as a girl who really enjoys the physical pain parts of play, that is something along the lines of a reward as well.
 
But today, I'm keenly aware of the larger benefit, the deeper benefit.  Today my work is incredibly stressful, and has been all week, with no signs of turning into an oasis of calm any time soon.  But, I've found a well of peace inside myself, a still and quiet place I can touch which brings me back to earth.  And it is Master.  It is remembering that I am owned, weird as that seems.
 
I found myself on a few occasions this week, sneaking off to an empty office, closing the door, and taking a few moments to be in my "down" position—kneeling, cheek to the floor, hands extended above my head, palms open.  Kneeling there for a few minutes, I was able to step out of myself, out of my whirling stressed out emotional head, and focus on him.  Focus on what serving him means to me—and how much I want everything I do to reflect positively on him, and be done with him in mind. And how much he loves me, and wants to help me become the best person I can.  And the calm and peace I felt there on the floor followed me back to my desk, and through the rest of the phone-ringing-urgent-report-email-meeting-deadline-drama of the day.
 
And that my dear vanilla friend, that sense of fulfillment and peace is more than I ever could have hoped to have in any relationship.

 
Beloved, thou has brought me many flowers
Plucked in the garden, all the summer through,
And winter, and it seemed as if they grew
In this lose room, nor missed the sun and showers.
So, in the like name of that love of ours,
Take back these thoughts which here unfolded too,
And whic on warm and cold days I withdrew
From my heart's ground.  Indeed, those beds and bowers
Be overgrown with bitter weeds and rue,
And wait they weeding; yet here's eglantine,
Here's ivy!--take them, as I used to do
Thy flowers, and keep them where they shall not pine.
Instruct thine eyes to keep the colours true,
And tell they soul, their roots are left in mine.
 
~Sonnet 44, Elizabeth Barrett Browning
 
 
Sir, you bring me flowers, and joy and sunshine and smiles.
I'm grateful to you and thankful for you.  My heart has as much happiness as it can hold, and I hope only to return half of the joy you have given me.
 
I love you.

Something I've been finding interesting as of late, is how much the lines of what is public information and what is kept private are blurred.  I was raised, as was Master, to believe that one kept as much of one's personal dirty laundry inside the house as possible.

Sounds odd coming from a blogger, I know.  However, the travails of our relationship, details of our medical histories, petty arguments with others and grievances at the "scene" in general or certain people specifically don't usually make it into my writing.  I'll admit to the occasional lapse (see my post about gossip below) but for the most part, I don't write blogs about you if I'm angry at you.  I either deal with it in my own head (or in my private personal journal) or talk to you.

What amazes me is fetlife.  The way it is set up, I see everything posted by those listed as my friends.  Everything.  So if they post about their partner having erectile dysfunction, I see it—as does everyone on their friends list. I'm not a fan of this feature of fetlife mind you—it kind of forces you to create a dummy account to ask serious and delicate questions without the Entire World knowing that you are having problems.  Or, in the case of so many people, you just don't care.

 If it weren't so breathtakingly inappropriate (at least in my own opinion) it would be funny, and well…sometimes it is.  

But what really gets me are the ranty things.  I'm a fan of a good rant, don't get me wrong.  If you could read my personal journal, oh goodness. But, that is the beauty of a private journal.  It is private.  I can re-read something a day or two later and think…wow, I'm glad I kept THAT to myself.  I can rip out the pages, shred them and flush them down the toilet, and nobody will ever be able to read them.  Because with a day or two perspective (or even an hour or two sometimes) I find that I am calmer, clearer and more coherent...sometimes.  But not on the internet.  You can take down a post, take down a comment, take down a picture—but on the internet, nothing is ever really gone.  Someone might have saved it, and sent it along to God Only Knows Whom.  Having said this, I do have some identifying pictures of myself, and some kind of explicit ones posted on fetlife.  It is a risk.  But, I'm not doing anything that I'm ashamed of.  I'm not saying anything I will want to take back later.  And—more importantly to me—I'm not making Master look bad, embarrassing him, and saying things that reflect poorly on him: things I can never fully take back once they are out there.  Pandoras box if you will.

Other folks don't see it this way, that is clear.  And I'm certainly not trying to be judgemental, just not sure how comfortable I am with so much oversharing. Thoughts anyone?

"When was the last time you were punished? Why were you being punished? What have you learned from it?" Journal Prompt from Submissive Guide Journal Prompts

Ah, what an apt and if I'm feeling kind of snarky here, Timely journal prompt today.

The last time I was punished, was Saturday. Why? Because I cannot be on time. I have a very easy to follow set of rules about timeliness--I am to get up at a certain time, call Master at a certain time, and arrive at work on time. I asked for help in this regard, because I really do hate being late and feeling flustered and hurried all the time.

But I am not doing so well about getting better. The punishment, which I chose, was one smack with my most hated toy--The Tearmaker--for every minute I reported late to the above deadlines. This past week I had 16. Six. Teen. Believe me, that is a lot of swats with that evil horrible thing.

Master had me stand, elbows on the bed with my daily report book open. I had to read, day by day, how many minutes I was late and for what. Then I got the swats. 16 in all. It was terrible, painful, embarrassing--and I was 15 minutes late again this morning.

I did learn something from all this--that what suffers when I am late in the mornings, what gets missed is my morning conversation with Master. By being late, not only am I making myself harried and getting a hated punishment, but I'm short-changing him...the one person I should never short change. More than the whipping, that made me cry after the punishment session.

But, as I said, I was 15 minutes late again this morning. I don't know what is going on in my head right now. I am not disobeying to get the punishment...not acting up to get attention or the "play" of punishment. I genuinely hate The Tearmaker, and will avoid it at all costs. Well, not all--because I was late again today. I know that he doesn't want this to turn into a constant punishment, because that really doesn't do either of us any good. I'll still be late all the time, still be putting him last and missing his call--and he will just have to punish me, which isn't his favorite thing to do.

I am to come up with a plan to stop this once and for all tonight, but my head is spinning. I have some ideas, but if the threat of the Tearmaker won't deter me, and thinking of how I am putting him last doesn't either...then I really don't know what else to try. I need to get this under control for myself, for my job, for my social life, and most of all for Him. Period. Shape it up girl.

Oh, what a short little word. Five letters that hold meanings I can just barely stand to think about.

Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship--familial, friendship, professional, vanilla or D/s. Trust. I've got big issues with trust. Big Big issues.

This week I've been doing a lot of thinking about the problems Master and i have had in our relationship...the bumps in our road. Most of them were, if not caused by, certainly aggravated by my lack of trust. I do trust Master--more than I've been capable of trusting anyone in recent memory. But. There is always a "but" in these sorts of things, isn't there? But, trust in general for me is very difficult.

In my life, there have been some serious breaches of trust, many of which I didn't find out about until after the fact. Sometimes long after. I struggle with (and this is going to make me sound crazier than I really am) the feeling that I'm the punchline to a big joke. That everyone is laughing behind their hands at me. That the popular kid who claims to like me is just playing a very cruel trick on me, that everyone "gets" something that I don't, and my eventual pratfall will become the stuff of comedic legend. That these things have happened, that the blade is still sharp enough to twist and cut occasionally upon thinking of them doesn't help either.

None of these have been done by Master. But, he is still paying the price for them, unfair as that is. I realize at this slight level of remove, that many of the things that so hurt me in the past, and now come to think on it, were due to or at least complicated by this lack of trust. So what is it that leaves me so unable to believe him? Believe that this is all real, and not going to end the first time I make a mistake? That there aren't all kinds of things going on that I don't know about?

I suppose, in the end, it is that I have a hard time believing that I'm worth all this. That anyone in their semi-right mind would sign up for a long-term relationship with me. This isn't a choice I get to make. I'm stuck with me...but he chooses to be stuck with me. Chooses to hook his leash to my collar. And that alone should tell me that he wants to be with me, wants me on the end of his leash, and at his feet for a long time to come.

After a bit of a hiatus, due almost entirely to laziness, I am back to writing in this blog. I know that Master enjoys reading what I write here, and I really can only hope that something I manage to get out of my crazy head will help another on his/her journey to the submissive place.

I have other things to say, but I'm in the midst of a Horrendous Cold, and keeping upright for this long is kind of an accomplishment today.