Through the Looking Glass

Re-reading that last whinefest of a post....wow. Super self-indulgent there, sorry.

But, it made me think a bit. And i think the thing that frightens me most, that i'm least able to handle is having needs that i can't fulfill myself--that i have to trust others to fulfill.
And it scares the holy hell out of me. i've always been a island unto myself. Zero trade deficit. If i can't do it myself, i don't need it.

And now, and now--i realize i do have needs that i alone can't meet. i do have desires that i can't fulfill, i do have to trust at least one someone with them, and that may be the most difficult thing i've ever had to do.

i need to be put in my place. i need to be stopped from pushing people away when i get too involved. i need someone to give me the pain and dominance from which these flow.

i hate it. Feeling like an empty echoing hall, waiting on razor's edge for relief, unable to help myself. To me it feels like weakness, feels like failure--but also and more frightening, feels like surrender, feels like trust, feels like submission, feels like love. To get these things, i need to open, to invite, to expose myself in trust and peace. i don't know if i can do it. i truly don't know.