So, i've been lazy posting here (sorry, Sir) and haven't really talked about my weekend with Master.
Had my first serious correction/discipline session, which i richly deserved.
Why? Same old thing, same old issue. He does not like when i make self-effacing remarks, and say unkind things about my appearance, particularly my weight. i have been specifically directed not to do this, and yet i cannot seem to stop myself--even now, after having felt the consequences.
i know that when He looks at me, He does not see me in the same way that i do. i know i am looking at myself as though through an old window--thick, wavy and distorted with self-criticism and self-disgust. i know this, my brain knows it, the rational part of me knows it. But. But, but, but. i just cannot believe, i truly can't believe that others don't see the same thing when they look at me. There are times when, in the right light or at the right angle, i think i look pretty okay (from the boobs up at any rate) but then i get a sidewise glance at myself, or a truly candid photograph, and i know that is how i look. i've been punished for this, for saying negative things about myself both this weekend, and last night in an emotionally grueling session. i'm trying hard to stop it, not only for my own sake--but because by saying and thinking such bad things about myself, i am insulting Him. i'm insulting His choices, His decision to take me as His...and i never want to insult Him. i have too much respect for Him--because He has so much respect for me. i can't bear the thought of disappointing Him, but i can't bear to think of myself as anything but ugly and fat. Catch-22, with punishment attached.
Other than the punishment session, it was truly a wonderful weekend. Master was cordial and kind and helped me to calm my nerves, and then smacked the holy hell out of me. Left great marks on my ass and legs. *swoons*
i was disappointed in myself though. i was just not in the service area of my mind. i was more in the girlfriend space, and that is not where i belong. Where i belong, is at His feet, and rubbing them, doing everything i can to see that He feels good. Where was i? Sitting on the couch next to Him, letting Him get up and get things for me from the kitchen, and generally not acting at all submissive. He says that He isn't disappointed in me, and that He bears some responsibility for not correcting me. But, i should be better than this. i know some of it will come with training, and i badly need the training and correction. i'm a tremendously willful girl--good in a career context, not good in this one. Master will have his hands full breaking me from my willfullness, and though i know it will be very hard on me, and very painful, i welcome it.
The next time we have a weekend together, i will be on my knees, presenting the moment i get inside the door, and i will stay that way as much of the weekend as possible. It is why i am here, it is who i am. i am His, will be His completely at some point...and i want nothing more than i want that.
Posted by
her
2 comments:
First of all, it was a pleasure meeting you last night.
Regarding service...i struggle with this with my Master too. He sees asks of service as a way to show love and respect. He has helped me see that there is service in everything that i do. From keeping my appearance presentable to getting things for Him ready, to being of sexual service. If you keep in your mind to make decisions based on what He would want, you can't really go wrong. Be patient with yourself and look to your Dominant for guidance when you need it. Relax...and have fun!
punky
Master MK's pet
Ohio Valley Regional slave 2009
Hello punky!
It was wonderful to meet you too.
And, good to hear that you struggle with service as well, that i'm not just being a horrible sub.
i know it will be a long process for me, as my willfullness and need for control run especially deep. But it is time to break from that cycle, and start really living.
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