Through the Looking Glass

In my day to day life, i work in the capapcity of an assistant. i have several bosses, all of whom have many needs which needs met--met by me. It can get overwhelming at times, and i'll admit to feeling resentful when the requests come more as an avalanche of demands. i'm very good at prioritizing them, sorting through their parts, and efficiently getting them done, with (most of the time) a smile on my face.

But, this is not the same as serving my Master. For one thing, the power exchange is reversed: at work i am the assistant, the underling, but i hold a lot of the power and we both know it. i keep the trains running on time, and although he signs my paycheck, my boss knows most anything he accomplishes has my fingerprints all over it. But this isn't serving. i am working, doing the job i am paid to do, which i have made a career doing. i'm doing what comes naturally to me, what i am good at. Oh, there are things i must do that are difficult or somewhat uncomfortable--believe me--but i am a partner in this enterprise. i can and do question my bosses directives, i can and do sometimes "manage up" and convince him to do things differently. i think and decide and direct.

And that is precisely what i must learn to abandon in service to Master. i read on fetlife earlier this week, a discussion between a Dom and his sub. she had apparently not informed Him or gotten permission to be online, and was caught out. her excuse was that she thought he was at work. His answer?

you are not to think and decide, that is not your place. you are the sub. I give direction, you follow it, without hesitation, without question. you have to trust that what i am asking is for your own good.

That hit me right in the chest--the recognition that this is one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. i want to serve, i need to serve but to do so i need to learn to open myself, to release my death-grip on myself, on my fears, on my emotions, and freely, gladly lovingly hand the reins to Master. It is huge leap of faith, a vote of trust and confidence. i have nothing but faith in Master, He truly does treat me better than pretty much any man i've been with--which might seem odd to say as he bends me over the bed and smacks the snot out of me, but that is a form of caring for me, of giving me what i need. And He has taken the time and effort to learn enough about me to know that.