Through the Looking Glass

"When was the last time you were punished? Why were you being punished? What have you learned from it?" Journal Prompt from Submissive Guide Journal Prompts

Ah, what an apt and if I'm feeling kind of snarky here, Timely journal prompt today.

The last time I was punished, was Saturday. Why? Because I cannot be on time. I have a very easy to follow set of rules about timeliness--I am to get up at a certain time, call Master at a certain time, and arrive at work on time. I asked for help in this regard, because I really do hate being late and feeling flustered and hurried all the time.

But I am not doing so well about getting better. The punishment, which I chose, was one smack with my most hated toy--The Tearmaker--for every minute I reported late to the above deadlines. This past week I had 16. Six. Teen. Believe me, that is a lot of swats with that evil horrible thing.

Master had me stand, elbows on the bed with my daily report book open. I had to read, day by day, how many minutes I was late and for what. Then I got the swats. 16 in all. It was terrible, painful, embarrassing--and I was 15 minutes late again this morning.

I did learn something from all this--that what suffers when I am late in the mornings, what gets missed is my morning conversation with Master. By being late, not only am I making myself harried and getting a hated punishment, but I'm short-changing him...the one person I should never short change. More than the whipping, that made me cry after the punishment session.

But, as I said, I was 15 minutes late again this morning. I don't know what is going on in my head right now. I am not disobeying to get the punishment...not acting up to get attention or the "play" of punishment. I genuinely hate The Tearmaker, and will avoid it at all costs. Well, not all--because I was late again today. I know that he doesn't want this to turn into a constant punishment, because that really doesn't do either of us any good. I'll still be late all the time, still be putting him last and missing his call--and he will just have to punish me, which isn't his favorite thing to do.

I am to come up with a plan to stop this once and for all tonight, but my head is spinning. I have some ideas, but if the threat of the Tearmaker won't deter me, and thinking of how I am putting him last doesn't either...then I really don't know what else to try. I need to get this under control for myself, for my job, for my social life, and most of all for Him. Period. Shape it up girl.