Through the Looking Glass

Oh, what a short little word. Five letters that hold meanings I can just barely stand to think about.

Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship--familial, friendship, professional, vanilla or D/s. Trust. I've got big issues with trust. Big Big issues.

This week I've been doing a lot of thinking about the problems Master and i have had in our relationship...the bumps in our road. Most of them were, if not caused by, certainly aggravated by my lack of trust. I do trust Master--more than I've been capable of trusting anyone in recent memory. But. There is always a "but" in these sorts of things, isn't there? But, trust in general for me is very difficult.

In my life, there have been some serious breaches of trust, many of which I didn't find out about until after the fact. Sometimes long after. I struggle with (and this is going to make me sound crazier than I really am) the feeling that I'm the punchline to a big joke. That everyone is laughing behind their hands at me. That the popular kid who claims to like me is just playing a very cruel trick on me, that everyone "gets" something that I don't, and my eventual pratfall will become the stuff of comedic legend. That these things have happened, that the blade is still sharp enough to twist and cut occasionally upon thinking of them doesn't help either.

None of these have been done by Master. But, he is still paying the price for them, unfair as that is. I realize at this slight level of remove, that many of the things that so hurt me in the past, and now come to think on it, were due to or at least complicated by this lack of trust. So what is it that leaves me so unable to believe him? Believe that this is all real, and not going to end the first time I make a mistake? That there aren't all kinds of things going on that I don't know about?

I suppose, in the end, it is that I have a hard time believing that I'm worth all this. That anyone in their semi-right mind would sign up for a long-term relationship with me. This isn't a choice I get to make. I'm stuck with me...but he chooses to be stuck with me. Chooses to hook his leash to my collar. And that alone should tell me that he wants to be with me, wants me on the end of his leash, and at his feet for a long time to come.