Through the Looking Glass

What if I really just have no idea what I'm doing? What if I'm just guessing along and hoping for the best?

Sometimes I think that is all anyone can do, but then I meet people who seem so sure of themselves, so driven, so knowing-where-they-are-going in a way I've never been. Their lives seem (at least from the outside here) to be straight paths, not always strewn with success, but purposeful. Mine is a lot of wandering around bumping into things.

But when I bumped into this lifestyle--although not into the right person the first time--it just felt...right. And now with Master it feels amazingly right. And sometimes wrong. Not wrong in the sense that I shouldn't be doing this, not in the sense that he isn't The One for me, but more that I'm wrong.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing most of the time, I feel all elbows and knees, and right now don't feel like I can do anything right. I'm trying hard to trust, trying hard to listen and do as I am told without overthinking (yes, I know, unpossible) and not read too much into silences, or words chosen or not chosen.

But it is hard. And I know it would be a cop out to want him to just grab me by my neck and FORCE me to listen, to do as I am told and to behave. Only I can bend my own will...but sometimes I just wish he could drag me kicking and tussling, throw me on the ground and make me mind. Make me better. Make me whole. Fix what is wrong with me. Because I'm not sure that I am strong enough, good enough, or woman enough to do it for myself.