Through the Looking Glass

This week Master decided to help me tackle one of my most entrenched bad habits/issues/whatever.

Tardiness. Once upon a time, I was always on time. Early even. Somehow though, I've gone from Super-Punctual Girl to Always Rushed Harried and Late Girl. I don't like it at all.

He has put me on a schedule in the mornings--wake up times, blocks of time for getting ready, set time for my morning call with him, and for leaving the house. This has not gone tremendously well so far. I've not made the entire schedule on time once yet. There is, of course, punishment attached to continually missing my marks--not each incident, but over the course of a week my tardiness can build to a punishment point. And, I have no doubt that it will, though I do not want the punishment. At All.

Thing is, I appreciate that Master is doing this for me. I have tried, in my ususal way to excuse myself out of things--I was very tired, I was up late working, I got caught up in reading my email and didn't notice the time, la la la. For my entire life, I've managed to excuse and charm my way out of consequences, or at least out of reprobation. But, he doesn't let me get away with it. Not for one hot second. It frustrates me to be called out in this way, and I find myself reacting like a child--and feeling the wave of childlish defiance of authority wash over me. It is an uncomfortable feeling, sitting with myself, listening to my internal dialogue sounding so very petty, very childish, very sorry for myself.

As uncomfortable as it is though, it is helping me tremendously. I am actuely aware now of my inner thoughts and running commentary, aware of how negative, and self-serving they can be. And since I'm aware now, I can stop the thought patterns before they get out of hand. And he helps me--grabs me by the hair (sometimes verbally on the phone) and makes me admit that my excuses really don't cut it. Sure, they are all reasons I was late, but I was supposed to be on time. Period. Regardless. And it makes me love him all the more.